The Cleanse

As of the last week or so, I've had to give up a lot of my vices. I've gone off of my anti-depressant medication, I've given up coffee, and I've almost entirely given up soda. We want to have another baby, and I don't want to subject an innocent soul to the toxic environment that exists in my cells. I've found though, that certain things have either become clearer, are more apparent, or maybe I'm just not doped up and can't funnel these feelings out of sight.

The other day, my mom offered to watch Ax for a few hours, and I was supposed to clean up the house and get my paperwork in order for my business. Unfortunately, I couldn't get off the couch. And without my espresso-fueled buzz of efficiency, nothing was getting accomplished. So, in a cloud of self pity, I decided to walk the dog.
Normally, when Axel and I walk the dog, we can only go about a half mile before he gets bored in the stroller and we have to go home. But since I wasn't restricted by the attention span of a toddler, we just decided to walk until my head was clear. I jotted down a few of my thoughts while walking, and even after re-reading them, I still feel lost.

When I am off of my medication, I feel as though I don't belong in society, like I'm a burden. A social drain on all those who occupy my world. Its hard for my to feel worthwhile, and shake the feeling of "why bother". I'm not sure why my brain feels this way, but it does.

I have also noticed a repeat in behavior. When I am medicated, I tend to let things slide, and not be so emotionally attached. Whether that has to do with the fact that I have more self worth, or just because I am a zombie, I am unsure. All I know, is that repeatedly, when I express a legitimate NEED for help; for someone to SAVE me-I get left behind. It is very hard to not harbor resentment when you know that your life partner will love you when you are at your best, yet abandon you when you are at your worst.

All of a suddden, I remember the intense feelings of abandonment, betrayal, lonliness, bitterness, and pure sadness associated with Axel's birth. I met a lot of truths that week, and for my sanity I have buried them. As I embark on this new, yet familiar journey, I wonder if history will repeat itself. But more importantly, am I strong enough to be broken twice?

Surrounded by strangers

I've come to this epiphany lately that I seem to be surrounded by strangers. I feel like no body really knows me at all, and I have to accept that it is my fault. Owning a service-based business, I'm surrounded every single day by people who are on an acquaintence-level relationship with me. If they ask how my day is, they don't want a long, in depth analysis of my thoughts and desires, they want a "Good, how are you?".  Not that I'd expect any thing less, I mean you don't tell your cashier at Target that you didn't get accepted into your college of choice; but its very hard to remain socially accepted when you don't have friends in your life that you can relate to.  Since I've graduated high school, and left my job to start my own business, very few people have stayed in my life. Once I had my baby, even fewer people bothered to remain. I have my parents, my fiance, and a few good friends, but its been so long since I've had a best friend. Someone who really gets me, and has my back as much as I have theirs. I think part of this has sparked from the fact that I've certainly lost myself. I used to have a clear definition of who I was and what I want to be. Now, all I feel is old and tired. Stretched so thin, I'm not even a person anymore, just a string of facades to get thru the day.
I'm going to "pause" this blog for a bit, be back later

Sketti Bake - mock lasagna for busy moms on the go!

I want to take just a moment to share one of my family's favorite creations: Sketti Bake.  Before I had Axel, I made the world's best lasagna. Every time I had friends over, they would request my lasagna and garlic bread. Unfortunately, lasagna is very time consuming, and time is something that I can never find, so I created Sketti Bake. I'm sure it's been done before, but I'm sharing my version anyway. It tastes very similar to lasagna, but it takes less than half the time. Enjoy!

First, boil two packages of noodles. You will want thicker noodles like penne rigate or spiral noodles. For this one, I used one of each.  Next, drain and distribute among two pans

Next, add about 3/4 cup spaghetti sauce to each pan. You can add ground beef of course, but I didn't this time because I had none on hand AND was in a hurry. 

Finally, top with a layer of mozzarella cheese, and sprinkle with Italian seasoning. 

One pan gets labeled and tossed in the freezer for another night...

The other gets broiled just until the cheese melts and browns slightly. (about 8-10 mins)

Serve with a fresh spinach salad, and enjoy!

So there you have it, one of the easiest meals ever.  I work nights usually, so it's nice to have something Jeff can pop in the oven while I'm on my way home, and we can eat as a family.

You can also saute green and red peppers while you're cooking the ground beef, and add when you add the sauce.

Modern Hippie

So I've come to the conclusion that I've become a hippie. No, not the kind that doesn't shower and smokes a lot of pot; the kind that is involved in the earth, playing a part in the production of food, and trying to keep things as holistic as possible.

I firmly believe that Mother Nature gave us all of the tools we need to mend our bodies right here in the earth. I believe that there is a LOT of healing power in foods and herbs, as long as you know how to use them.  I believe that chickens who are allowed to roam all day, foraging for bugs and eating weeds not only lay healthier eggs (or are better for meat, if you raise chickens for that), but they give back to the earth as well in the form of pest control, nutrient-dense fertilizer, and when they dig in the soil they aid in the composting process.

I was vegan for about a year, when I was 18. I did it more as a protest against large food corporations, and because I felt that eating animals that have suffered their whole lives wasn't healthy. I mean think about it, you're eating pain, suffering, and loneliness. Not to mention loads of antibiotics, feces, and I'm sure parts of other animals, since over crowding leads to cannibalism. You are what you eat. When I was vegan, I also made it a point to wean off of my anti-depressants and to stop using pharmaceutical drugs. I never felt better in my whole life! I had so much energy, I could think clearer, and I just felt great. Unfortunately, being vegan is very hard in today's society, especially when you have a husband who loves meat. BUT I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't about the lack of meat and animal by-products in my diet that made me feel good; it was the lack of processed foods, of chemically dyed and enhanced food, of beverages created in a laboratory... I guess you could say it was a lack of "fake" food that made me feel so good.

I've shifted my way of thinking. I'm sure there's a technical term for what I am, but I'm going to call myself a "naturalist". I believe I need to make an effort to live as "organically" as possible. I don't mean organic as in food labels, I mean the real definition of organic:

or·gan·icAdjective/ôrˈganik/

1. Of, relating to, or derived from living matter: "organic soils"

I believe I need to live from the earth. To grow food with my own hands, to spend time mending my own soil, and to make sure what I eat is of the earth, not of beakers and test tubes. There is something so much more fulfilling about going out to your garden, picking a few vegetables, and chopping them up for that evenings salad vs. filling up a bag at the grocery store. Or the noticeable difference in the yolks of the eggs from backyard chickens vs. the ones who spend their life in a crate with no sunlight.

As Deborah Madison put it so well in this article,  there really is a "difference between merely feeding and really nourishing ourselves"

My adventures in couponing...

I really admire the people on TLC's show, Extreme Couponing. Somehow they manage to purchase thousands of dollars of merchandise for only a few bucks. I have tried to dabble here and there, but I get lost with all of the rules, and now my favorite grocery store doesn't do double coupons...and it's just way to much work for me.

I have gotten really good at spotting deals, especially on meat, and stocking our entire freezer full to save us big $$ down the road. A few months back, I scored chicken breasts for 67cents/lb, and I bought 15 packages (all that would fit in the freezer). Each package was regularly priced at around $9, and I got them for about $2.50 each, so I essentially saved $97.50!  But those sales don't come around too often, and we have finally used up all of our chicken storage, and I'm left wishing I bought more at the time.

Last week, I lucked out and got a great deal on Axel's favorite Gerber snacks.

We scored all of these food items for $10!

Fry's is currently having a sale where if you buy 10 participating items, you can save 50cents off of each one, totaling $5 in savings. Each of these snack items are regularly priced at $2.90.  They were on a slight sale, but were also part of the "buy 10, save $5" deal.  Now for this deal to work, you could buy ANY of the participating items across the store, but I also had this coupon:

The bottom coupon is what I received at the end of the order for buying 10

Fry's had noticed that I buy a lot of these snacks, so they gave me a coupon at the register, offering me a coupon to use on a future order, depending on how many of the snacks I purchased in a week.  So I'm thinking, $5 off (of the sale price, not the original price), $4 future coupon if I buy ten...so I might as well buy ten!  THEN I found (not pictured) another Gerber snacks coupon - $1 off if you buy three or more.

I was ecstatic.   So I went up to the register, with my 10 snack items- regular priced total: $22.90.  After the sale and the coupons, they were $14, and if I include my $4 off coupon (for next order), the grand total was $10. I spent $10, and saved $12.90.  I love it when I save more than I spend! I rock. :)

Unfortunately, the stars have to be aligned just right to score this deal, so this doesn't happen very often. In the meantime, I look out for sales on our favorite non-perishable items (like Axel's juice), and try to stock up. It's hard when you have to stick to a budget, but I try to remind myself, I may be spending $30 just on juice right now, but I'm also saving $1 per bottle, and that will help in the long run.

So good luck to you, future deal-finders! And if you see an awesome deal on chicken breast, please don't leave me out of the loop! 

Wishing I could take the "working" out of the title of this blog...

I am torn. I love the fact that my company is growing, and we're making so many changes and adding new classes this fall, but today as I recalled my youth, I started having second thoughts.

When I was younger (around the age of 7), my family moved in with my Grandmother. My father had suddenly gotten very ill, and stopped working, so my mother was forced to continue her education so she could support her family. My mom worked her ass off; she went to school full time, stayed up all night doing homework, and worked double shift weekends so she could still pay the bills. As an adult, I am so proud of her. I cannot believe the strength it must have taken to accomplish all of that with a 7 year old AND an infant. As a child, it deeply saddened me to grow up without a Mom. I remember going through an awkward stage where my father dressed me for school, in XL tee-shirts, and baggy jeans and the kids making fun of me, saying I looked like a lesbian. (note: not that there's anything wrong with that, but to an elementary school kid, anything different is THE END OF THE WORLD).  I remember not having any one to teach me about hair and makeup and boys... I remember when my mom started going to the gym to allow her some "me-time" and I cried saying she never had any time for me. I remember Easters and Christmases where everyone in the family got together, and all of my cousins had their Moms, but mine had to work. And I remember the time my Mom did have to spend with us, she was always stressed out trying to make ends meet.  Don't get me wrong, I do not in any way, shape, or form blame my mother, but I've always vowed that I don't want that for Axel. I remember when my mom had announced that she had finished school, I asked her "Does this mean you get to be a stay at home mommy now?" and she laughed and said "No, honey, I went to school so I could work", and I was so confused. Why would she work so hard to get to work at a place away from her babies? Didn't she love us? My little 7 year old brain couldn't wrap itself around the concept.

I remember a few weeks ago, someone telling me that my load would lighten and I would have more time to focus on working when Axel started Pre-School or Kindergarten. (On a side note: we have been considering home schooling him, so we don't even know yet if he would be in public school. ) I had thought at the time "Finally, some peace and quiet to get things done, and I wont have to feel so guilty about taking him to a sitter."  But today I realized where I was mistaken:  I don't teach class during the day when kids are at school.  With the exception of maybe one or two appointments per month, all of my classes are on the weekends or at nights. Meaning Axel would spend all day at school, only to come home to see Mom for an hour, eat a quick meal, and then Mommy wouldn't be home until after he was tucked into bed. This thought immediately brought me to tears, as it is now, because I remember all the feelings of resentment I felt, and all of the loneliness. Now granted, a boy doesn't need his Mom as much as a daughter does, but still - eventually we would like to have more kids, and I am a FIRM believer that a Mom's role is to make the house a home, not to work. If someone said to me right now "Money will never be an issue, be the Mommy you want to be", I would devote my entire life to my kids. In fact, it KILLS me to see all of my friends working on their second baby, and I know I have to wait because my job doesn't come with maternity leave and I haven't yet found another trainer to help me out with the company. I would stop writing right this instant and get pregnant tomorrow if that were the case. (I'm sure Jeff wouldn't mind, lol!)

Again, don't get me wrong, I love training - I love my clients, and so on and so forth. But I love being a Mom so much more. I hate the business end of my job - the phone ringing constantly, the midnight hours spent doing paperwork... I hate that sometimes I get so overworked that I turn into a mean person. I love my son's smile, and his laugh, and everything new he learns every day. I want to be his soccer-mom, and spend my day making lunches, and taking him to his sports practice, and helping him out with his homework. I want to spend my day keeping the house tidy, walking the dogs, and making dinner for my husband. I want to be a wife and a mother, not give my job 110% and only have scraps left to give my family.

Can somebody please kick my a$$?

Sigh. As I watch the fees for personal training deduct themselves from my bank account, I think (yet again), I REALLY should get back to the gym. I was doing great - working out 5x a week, and working with a trainer 4x/month. I lost 18 lbs. blah.blah.blahdefrickinblah. You've heard the story, I need not bore you with the same cliche excuses... but I will:

I have about 1000 excuses. My Ipod's not charged, I can't find my lock, I didn't sleep last night, Axel's too fussy, it's too hot, I have to work later and don't want to wear myself out...really all I'm saying is "I'm a lazy blob, please don't judge me". Aside from all of these excuses, I really don't know why I can't get back into my routine.  I have racked up enough training hours that I could see them 2x a week for the next month, and really get a kick start on my workout again. I just have this HUGE mental hurdle about going. When we moved and I took a few weeks off, I was terrified of the ladies at the gym making comments about how I slacked off. "Don't worry," Jeff said, "No one cares that you haven't been going, except you." LIES. When I dropped Ax off at the KidsKlub, both of the ladies were like "Axel! We haven't seen you in SOOO long!" I lied and told them we were on vacation, because I wasn't strong enough to create a sarcastic, "Yeah, I'm just a lazy piece of crap" comment.

My old personal trainer has either been fired or quit, because I don't see him there anymore, and when I asked, they're like "Oh, Danny left!" like I had been living under a rock, or just haven't been to the gym in 47 years. (Way to boost my confidence! I already know I'm a lazy piece of crap; see above). I'm technically okay with my old trainer being gone, because he was rude and never taught me anything. I had to ask about my form all the time - which, if I'm not mistaken, is an important part of weight training. I tried to sign up with this one lady I always see working people out - she and her customers always look like they're having a good time, so I thought that would be a good start. But when I went to the training desk, the old man sitting there was so rude and told me to sign up online. (Um okay, but I still don't know her name so thanks, guy.)

So, I sit here, desperately wanting to work out, but afraid. I'd work out with a video tape, but I can't overcome the fact that I'm paying so much money, and it'd be pointless to workout at home. If I workout with a friend, it has to be at 8am when I can bring Axel to the KidsKlub - aka babysitting with the most inconvenient hours - or like 9pm after work. Ugh, I'm just so fed up. Help?