I am torn. I love the fact that my company is growing, and we're making so many changes and adding new classes this fall, but today as I recalled my youth, I started having second thoughts.
When I was younger (around the age of 7), my family moved in with my Grandmother. My father had suddenly gotten very ill, and stopped working, so my mother was forced to continue her education so she could support her family. My mom worked her ass off; she went to school full time, stayed up all night doing homework, and worked double shift weekends so she could still pay the bills. As an adult, I am so proud of her. I cannot believe the strength it must have taken to accomplish all of that with a 7 year old AND an infant. As a child, it deeply saddened me to grow up without a Mom. I remember going through an awkward stage where my father dressed me for school, in XL tee-shirts, and baggy jeans and the kids making fun of me, saying I looked like a lesbian. (note: not that there's anything wrong with that, but to an elementary school kid, anything different is THE END OF THE WORLD). I remember not having any one to teach me about hair and makeup and boys... I remember when my mom started going to the gym to allow her some "me-time" and I cried saying she never had any time for me. I remember Easters and Christmases where everyone in the family got together, and all of my cousins had their Moms, but mine had to work. And I remember the time my Mom did have to spend with us, she was always stressed out trying to make ends meet. Don't get me wrong, I do not in any way, shape, or form blame my mother, but I've always vowed that I don't want that for Axel. I remember when my mom had announced that she had finished school, I asked her "Does this mean you get to be a stay at home mommy now?" and she laughed and said "No, honey, I went to school so I could work", and I was so confused. Why would she work so hard to get to work at a place away from her babies? Didn't she love us? My little 7 year old brain couldn't wrap itself around the concept.
I remember a few weeks ago, someone telling me that my load would lighten and I would have more time to focus on working when Axel started Pre-School or Kindergarten. (On a side note: we have been considering home schooling him, so we don't even know yet if he would be in public school. ) I had thought at the time "Finally, some peace and quiet to get things done, and I wont have to feel so guilty about taking him to a sitter." But today I realized where I was mistaken: I don't teach class during the day when kids are at school. With the exception of maybe one or two appointments per month, all of my classes are on the weekends or at nights. Meaning Axel would spend all day at school, only to come home to see Mom for an hour, eat a quick meal, and then Mommy wouldn't be home until after he was tucked into bed. This thought immediately brought me to tears, as it is now, because I remember all the feelings of resentment I felt, and all of the loneliness. Now granted, a boy doesn't need his Mom as much as a daughter does, but still - eventually we would like to have more kids, and I am a FIRM believer that a Mom's role is to make the house a home, not to work. If someone said to me right now "Money will never be an issue, be the Mommy you want to be", I would devote my entire life to my kids. In fact, it KILLS me to see all of my friends working on their second baby, and I know I have to wait because my job doesn't come with maternity leave and I haven't yet found another trainer to help me out with the company. I would stop writing right this instant and get pregnant tomorrow if that were the case. (I'm sure Jeff wouldn't mind, lol!)
Again, don't get me wrong, I love training - I love my clients, and so on and so forth. But I love being a Mom so much more. I hate the business end of my job - the phone ringing constantly, the midnight hours spent doing paperwork... I hate that sometimes I get so overworked that I turn into a mean person. I love my son's smile, and his laugh, and everything new he learns every day. I want to be his soccer-mom, and spend my day making lunches, and taking him to his sports practice, and helping him out with his homework. I want to spend my day keeping the house tidy, walking the dogs, and making dinner for my husband. I want to be a wife and a mother, not give my job 110% and only have scraps left to give my family.
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