As of the last week or so, I've had to give up a lot of my vices. I've gone off of my anti-depressant medication, I've given up coffee, and I've almost entirely given up soda. We want to have another baby, and I don't want to subject an innocent soul to the toxic environment that exists in my cells. I've found though, that certain things have either become clearer, are more apparent, or maybe I'm just not doped up and can't funnel these feelings out of sight.
The other day, my mom offered to watch Ax for a few hours, and I was supposed to clean up the house and get my paperwork in order for my business. Unfortunately, I couldn't get off the couch. And without my espresso-fueled buzz of efficiency, nothing was getting accomplished. So, in a cloud of self pity, I decided to walk the dog.
Normally, when Axel and I walk the dog, we can only go about a half mile before he gets bored in the stroller and we have to go home. But since I wasn't restricted by the attention span of a toddler, we just decided to walk until my head was clear. I jotted down a few of my thoughts while walking, and even after re-reading them, I still feel lost.
When I am off of my medication, I feel as though I don't belong in society, like I'm a burden. A social drain on all those who occupy my world. Its hard for my to feel worthwhile, and shake the feeling of "why bother". I'm not sure why my brain feels this way, but it does.
I have also noticed a repeat in behavior. When I am medicated, I tend to let things slide, and not be so emotionally attached. Whether that has to do with the fact that I have more self worth, or just because I am a zombie, I am unsure. All I know, is that repeatedly, when I express a legitimate NEED for help; for someone to SAVE me-I get left behind. It is very hard to not harbor resentment when you know that your life partner will love you when you are at your best, yet abandon you when you are at your worst.
All of a suddden, I remember the intense feelings of abandonment, betrayal, lonliness, bitterness, and pure sadness associated with Axel's birth. I met a lot of truths that week, and for my sanity I have buried them. As I embark on this new, yet familiar journey, I wonder if history will repeat itself. But more importantly, am I strong enough to be broken twice?
